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Location: Blogs Atomic FalloutSplittin' Atoms |
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| Posted by: Jake Bell |
Monday, May 14, 2007 10:33 PM |
 Everyday, someone comes into the shop and starts making fun of Aquaman—and I often get the impression they think they’re being clever. As if I haven’t heard, “Ha ha ha, Aquaman is gay! Aquaman talks to fish! Aquaman is the lamest character in the DCU!” a thousand times before. Frankly, I’m tired of it and it’s time to set the record straight. Aquaman is so much better than that cheap Marvel knockoff, Namor the Sub-Mariner no meter has been invented to measure how much greater he truly is.
The first thing anyone brings up when they start making fun of Aquaman is his ability to communicate with fish. Usually, they say refer to how lame a power “talking to fish” would be and some try to pass off the old Dave Chapelle “Hi, Aquaman” joke as their own. But all of this is beside the point. What these people are overlooking is that Aquaman doesn’t talk to fish. He communicates telepathically. It’s all in the mind, people! Plus, he can command them. Have you ever tried to tell a shark what to do? Since your reading this, you must never have had your intestines torn out and strewn about the ocean, so I’m guessing the answer is no. So step down! Further, it’s not like he’s some jerk when it comes to controlling sea life. They do it because they respect him. He is a king for crying out loud! King Orin.
Oh, and I hate to rub your nose in it, but he’s also married to the hottest babe under the water, so why don’t you ask her how gay he is? He’s super strong, which should be obvious when you consider the water pressure on the ocean floor is strong enough to pop your head and send your brain matter floating everywhere. Your brain matter that is, not his. And for the record, yes, brain matter floats… and it’s not pretty. By that same token, he can leap several stories at a time and throw a car hundreds of yards.
Already I can hear you saying, “Yeah, but Superman can do all that too.” True, but can he do it underwater? NO!!!
Arthur Curry can swim up to 150 miles per hour. That’s faster than any boat you ever saw on “Miami Vice.” If they raced, Sub-Mariner would be choking on Aquaman’s wake.  Plus that Speedo is so so out of date and unflattering… and the only thing worse is when he tries to wear a vest with it. Plus those stupid little fins on his ankles make no sense. I’m not saying Aquaman’s costume is better… but it is.  Especially when he’s topless showing off his giant harpoon! And that big spear is impressive too.
If all that’s not enough, there’s also the things you probably don’t know about King Orin. He has enhanced senses that put Daredevil’s too shame. The deepest parts of the ocean have never seen sunlight, so that means he can see in the absolute dark. He also has super hearing. Oh, and his touch can dehydrate anything or anyone. Just take my word for it.
Simply put lamers don’t get to be king. No, upon further reflection upon the roster of inbreeds that sat on the many thrones of Europe, let me take that back. Lamers don’t save kingdoms time and time again.
There were more than ten superheroes at Bludhaven and that shit was destroyed anyway. But Aquaman has saved the ocean hundreds of times and rescued the entire planet when the icecaps were melting. All your favorite DCU characters should pat Arthur Curry on the back and say, “Hey, man, thanks so much. You really do kick tons of ass!” Of course, Aquaman’s too modest to want that, but he still deserves more props than he’s getting. |
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Comments (2)
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Re: Aquaman is NOT Lame |
By zombee on
Tuesday, May 15, 2007 1:17 PM |
| Namor rules. He's a big ego maniac with wings on his feet. He's got wings...on his feet. Namor doesn't need to talk to fish to get them to do what he wants, he freakin' punches them! Namor is also a king. He once gathered up all the sunken treasure in the ocean and became a tycoon! And he's got wings on his feet!! And both Aquaman AND Namor have worn speedos. So, yeah. Namor = rockin' Aquaman = Dokken. |
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Re: Aquaman is NOT Lame |
By Patrick on
Tuesday, May 15, 2007 2:09 PM |
Namor came first. He first appeared in 1939 while Aquaman was created several years later in 1941. Does that make him better than Aquaman? No. But if anybody is a knockoff of anybody... Namor is like Black Adam except underwater! And I do <3 Black Adam. However, I must say that your argument is really compelling. Especially the part about him being married to that hotness up there. Now I'm going to have to read some Aquaman comics, 'cause some of that stuff does sound pretty sweet. Not wings-on-feet sweet, but close!
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